Always Truly Evolutionary

So certain of the uncertainties, absolutely aware of the possibilities, encouraged by the adversities, and driven by necessities …

Is it possible for nothing to make sense, but yet it always does make sense? For so much to have changed, yet nothing has changed at all? For space to have a place, but no place at all? For contradictions to be understood yet are too complex for most to understand? For time to have no beginning or an end, but feel that it is running out? To want to cry, but don’t know why, but feel that you must? To breathe but feel like you’ve died, making you the deadest person alive? To be at home in a place that you’ve never been before? For a dream to become a reality and your reality to become your dream? To have all of the answers to questions you have never asked? To truly think, yet have no opinion at all? To be caught in the middle of what you desire and what you need? To be just, but just can’t comprehend, why it doesn’t just? To want to hide but want to be seen? To want to flee, but want to stay? To feel touched by something you’ve never felt before? To be in between today, in the meantime, and tomorrow? To stand in the midst of all these things because that is all that can be withstood right now?

New York City in June … Such a strange place to be, so caught in the middle …

There are these expectations that are not lived up to.

I know I really shouldn’t but it’s nearly impossible not to, yet it’s the only way.

Life is so funny. Luckily I have a great sense of humor.

Life is an interesting event. Things and people suddenly appear to show you who you are, and continue to point you in the right direction, and sometimes they lead you to your destination. There are times when you can see yourself immediately and it slaps you in the face so hard that you cry. Other times, it takes a while for you to recognize yourself, but you do eventually, and when you do, you are changed forever.

You see, it can be the simplest thing that pulls you forward, forcing you to leave the things you know behind in order to forge a new path. It can also be the most complex of things that pushes you onward. There’s no explanation and there’s no clear reason that can be articulated for others to understand. Not everyone needs to understand, just as long as you overstand.

Life is just one of those things, one of those crazy, crazy things — a whirlwind of events. You just never know what can spark forward motion, and you just don’t know what or who can inspire such change, because it could be anything or anyone. And sometimes you just don’t need some long convoluted reasoning behind why things have unfolded the way they have, they just have. They just have.

I’ve found the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life …

I can recall several moments in which all was considered lost and all was considered forgotten. Moments of pride and moments of despair held together by pieces of worn-torn memory are remembered when called upon. It seems that it was only yesterday when I spoke of pain and lived with joy. And it seems as if it were only an hour ago that I cried inside mourning what had died but was waiting to be reborn.

There are these ‘things’ that are seemingly beyond our control. There are these ‘things,’ that when viewed from a different angle, are magically transformed into something else entirely. There are these ‘things’ that are desired but are deemed unattainable. These ‘things’ have a beginning and have an ending. These ‘things’ are only thought to be what they are. These ‘things’ are sometimes uninvited yet somehow overstay their welcome. And these ‘things’ can make a sane person lose all rational thought.

I have experienced moments in which I needed time to sort through the chaos that my mind fell victim to, and I’ve experienced moments in which I had to take the time to deconstruct the chaos that my mind so creatively constructed. And in this moment in time, I am experiencing one of those moments right now. And I reflect on how things got to where they are. And I wonder what made me think that. And I question why I was fooling myself. And I examine why I lived that lie. And I continue to ponder these thoughts that race through my mind.